Friday, 04 November 2016

The Diary of Miss Darcy Bustle: 4 November

The Lady’s lovable new office dog tells all

Written by Miss Darcy Bustle
Duffle threw a complete hissy fit this evening and is still not speaking to me. It started with the Halloween costumes. He hates dressing up, he said as the editor approached with a set of purple sequinned bat wings, but he does love a treat and the whole night is about treats, so he was prepared to compromise. Sadly for Duffle, there were no bat wings, or pumpkin costumes, small enough for me. Not even the doll-sized witch’s outfit worked. So it was only Duffle left pretending to be Batman (the camp version). Still, just because I didn’t have an outfit, it didn’t mean I shouldn’t sit on the doorstep next to the pumpkin. And how can I be blamed if I got just as many doggy treats as him?

This morning, we got one of the new buses which are designed to look like the old buses. It had a conductor, just like when she was a child, the editor said. It had an open back and we were able to jump on. What we weren’t allowed to do was sit downstairs. ‘Upstairs for animals,’ said the conductor. This has never happened before. On the other buses, the ones without conductors, it’s every man (and dog) for themselves. Nobody speaks, and nobody notices me in the basket. But on this bus the conductor noticed. The editor pleaded. The other passengers pleaded. ‘Give her a break, Blakey,’ one man said. This made the rest of them start laughing, especially when he started humming the theme tune to something called On The Buses. This did not help my case.

IMG 5423Whose pumpkin patch is it?

This morning I went swimming, by accident, when I was walking down the street and fell into a pothole which had filled up with water from a burst mains pipe. Fortunately I was still attached to my lead, so I was winched out, drenched, and shaking. There are so many potholes in London, apparently it would take 16 years to fill them all, and then they probably have to start all over again. The editor says councils like leaving potholes all over the place, which are designed to ruin people’s cars and backs. The near-drowning of  mini dachshunds probably comes as an added bonus to them, she said.

After yesterday’s soaking, I’ve decided what I need is clothing for soggy bottoms, and have persuaded the editor to get me a Dog Drying coat from Rough and Tumble. They’re based in Norfolk and are used to the needs of soggy doggies – even the royal corgis and labradors aren’t adverse to a bit of puddle jumping, apparently. The editor has questioned whether I needed to have it monogrammed, but why not? I don’t want Duffle getting his hands on it.

Despite offering him my minty chew stick (I don’t really like them), Duffle is still not talking to me. How long can one old dog sulk for, I wonder?

See you next week
Instagram @missdarcybustle

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