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I think Christmas is going to break us up

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 13 December 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I have been with my partner for 6 years and Christmas is a major problem in our relationship. Over the years it has got increasingly worse as he will not be flexible on Christmas arrangements.

He is totally dominated by his family and submits to pressure of spending all the time with them. I am included but this is not my point surely a relationship should be a split decision? And even when I try and talk about the issue, he flies off the handle and we don't get anywhere.

I know this seems ridiculous but I think it's going to break us up. I love him and want us to be together but I just don't know what else to do.

Patricia Marie says...

I am not sure Christmas is the main reason you are at breaking point, rather it's highlighting the negative areas within your relationship thats contributing to the way your feeling.

Firstly, if your boyfriend is unwilling to compromise, you need to be focusing on your wishes for the festive season. If you're wanting to be with your boyfriend that's fine, but does it have to be completely on his terms? Perhaps if you were able to take some control, you may then begin to feel your Christmas is not being dominated by him.

It would be interesting to find out why he is so accepting of his parents demands? Is he using them as an excuse to do as he pleases? Your partner's dismissal of how you are feeling, and the childish behaviour he displays when he doesn't get his own way will only continue if you allow it to, and more importantly, if this problem is not addressed, it could become destructive within your relationship in the future.

If you are unable to talk to your boyfriend without him behaving irrationally, write him a letter, this way he can digest things and think before he responds. If you believe this relationship is worth saving, you need to work at it together, not alone.



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.




In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

My ex boyfriend won't leave me alone

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 29 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I went out with my boyfriend for one year and it didn't really work so I told him face-to-face that I was sorry but I didn't want to continue with our relationship. He was absolutely devastated and went to see a counsellor to help him move on.. however he still insisted on remaining friends with me and coming over once a week to 'help me do any diy jobs that needed doing'.

I am very aware that this is not right but when I tell him this he says 'you cant begrudge me helping you out and doing things for you - that's what friends are for...

It is now one year since we split up and I have met someone else. When I told my ex that I was going out for a date with another man he broke down and said 'I can't believe you would do this to me'.

What can I do? I know he is manipulating me but he makes things so difficult and I feel so mean. I am 42 years of age and divorced - my ex is 45 years of age and has been divorced twice.

I just can't seem to get rid of him.


Patricia Marie says...

Your need to sever your relationship with your ex has become far more intense as it now suits you to have him out of the way.

I would like you to consider that you have to accept a certain amount of responsibility for allowing this situation to get to this inevitable stage.

You say he insisted on still being friends, helping you with jobs. Your acceptance of this sent confusing signals, in his mind you were still allowing him to be part of your life.

Even for the one instigating, endings can be hard and take time to come to terms with, which is why so many couples choose to stay in even the most destructive relationships, rather than deal with change.

Perhaps although you wanted to have closure with your ex, by seeing him weekly it wasn't so final for you.

You are allowing him to manipulate you because you are not making it clear to him this arrangement cannot continue. You say you feel mean, yet are being unfair to him by preventing him from moving forward, something which he is unable to see clearly for himself at this moment.

You can eliminate your guilt by being strong for him, letting him go will allow him to make a new life, whilst you can then be free to enjoy yours.



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.



In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389

His children are against us

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 01 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am so delighted to have discovered that The Lady offer an agony aunt to help their followers. Could you please give me some help?

Recently I have been dating a man who is widowed with two children aged 31 and 35. We are getting on really well and are planning to travel the world together but his children are so against our relationship they have asked my friend to choose between me or them.

I am so distraught - I have a chance of personal happiness and I am fearful that it is all going to be destroyed by his selfish unthinking children.

Do you think I should just walk away and make life easier for him or should I pursue my chance of happiness and just consider my future?

Patricia Marie says...

You say you have only just met a widower, yet feel your chance of happiness is dependant on you travelling the world with him? You would be left distraught if this wasn't to happen?

There seems much pressure and expectancy not only on yourself, but on this gentleman to be responsible for your happiness.

You describe his children as selfish and unthinking. After the loss of their mother, their father is clearly very dear to them and yet in a short space of time you wanting to embark on a world trip with him must only intensify their loss and grief.

I'm wondering if you could consider things from their perspective. A meeting with these children, where you can all speak openly and discuss everyone's feelings may help.

Don't expect them to embrace you immediately, but if you are able to come to an understanding, this will be a good starting point for you all. I urge you to consider where your fear of his children destroying your happiness is coming from and would recommend embarking on some counselling sessions to explore this issue at a greater depth and enable you to hopefully find the happiness you are searching for and so deserve.

The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy have a directory where you can find a qualified registered therapist in your area. www.bacp.co.uk



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.



In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Email: patriciamarie@tenharleystreet.co.uk
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389


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