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Stalker ex

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 20 May 2016
Dear Patricia Marie,

Last year I met a man through a dating site and went out with him just the once. Before our date I had spoken with him a few times, and felt comfortable enough to progress to the next stage of meeting him. However, during the date it became evident we were not suited, and I cut the evening short. I made it clear I wouldn't want to take it any further, and as far as I was concerned left on friendly terms.

I then went on to meet another man whom I've been with for 8 months and couldn't be happier. The problem is the previous date is incessantly contacting me, demanding I give him another chance, even though I have texted him that I have moved on, and asked him to leave me alone.

Despite this, he continues to phones me at least twice a day. I never respond, but he is now leaving messages of a threatening nature saying if I don't meet him he will tell my new boyfriend I slept with him on the first and only date, which is obviously totally untrue. He emails me the same sort of messages too.

I am wanting to change my contact details but this would create much inconvenience. Thankfully he doesn't know where I work or live, but the messages are becoming more frequent and intense with him declaring his undying love for me.

Perhaps I am overreacting, but I am now becoming scared. I do know where he lives, and have thought about going to see him to confront him, but not sure it will make a difference.

What do you suggest?

Patricia Marie says...

This man is stalking you, and it is imperative that you protect yourself and put an end to his disturbing behaviour. Do not meet with him under any circumstances as this could exacerbate the situation. You are doing the right thing by not responding to his messages. Retain every one he has sent you, and make a note of every phone call. Go to the police with this evidence and tell them you are extremely concerned for your safety. You also need to consult a solicitor for legal advice on the possibility of obtaining a restraining order from the Court, which would prevent this man contacting you. Please do not downplay your fear, as his actions are a great cause for concern, and you are most certainly not overreacting.

I strongly advise you to change your telephone numbers and email address immediately. Be aware also that online social networks like Facebook are an open resource for tracking someone, so be sure to update your privacy settings, or better still, for the time being, remove your profile. These changes will give you peace of mind and deter all future contact, and any resultant inconvenience is surely acceptable, considering the alternative.

His declaration of love is not love, it's harassment, which has to be stopped. Stalking is dangerous and a serious crime. It can cause severe psychological distress to its victim, with side effects such as depression, anxiety, sleep disturbance and post traumatic stress, and in some cases even result in physical harm, which is why I urge you to act right now.

For further help and advice call: The National Stalking Helpline. 0808 802 0300 advice@stalkinghelpline.org

What if the men we meet are serial killers?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 26 June 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My friend who is single, like me, said she`s hoping to find someone new and suggested we double date.  I thought this was a great idea until she commented that she has been looking on the internet, has already been in touch with some`hopefuls` and wants me to sign up too.

I`m worried about this idea - what if the men we meet are serial killers or married men looking for affairs?

 I dont mean to sound negative and would like to meet a distinguished gentleman, but would appreciate your help and advice before I take the plunge into the unknown.

Patricia Marie says...

Meeting someone on the Internet is no different from meeting them in a bar, or at a party. It's only  when you meet someone through friends, family, or at work that you might have the comfort of knowing their background. But even then you can't be sure the person you meet is genuine.

Try not to be so fearful of internet dating, it has many advantages. It can be exciting to get an email saying you've had 20 views. Of course you may not be attracted to all, if any, of them, but it encourages you to keep going, thinking there could be someone better next time. And of course, you can view potential dates from the comfort of your own home.

However, there is striking evidence to suggest the web is causing social change. Traditionally women might have had one or two boyfriends before getting married; now they are encouraged to date lots of people in a quest to find a perfect partner.

The way to protect yourself is to be wise, and recognise the safety rules. As your friend has suggested, for the first few meetings you could double date in a public place. Don't go to the mens houses or invite them to yours until you know a lot more about anyone you meet and can verify what they tell you. Never leave a drink unattended or allow yourselves to be separated, and  ensure you go home at the end of the night together.

And finally, trust your instinct - if one or both of them feel at all suspect, withdraw.  Be sensible and you could find Prince Charming is a mouse click away.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

I attract the wrong type of man

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 14 February 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I feel that I am almost giving up on the gentleman species. I am thirty going on fifty! The type of men that I seem to meet are not worthy of me and appear to have no future prospects, I have even lowered my standards due to the lack of response. I seem to attract the useless, uncaring, selfish, non-committal man. About me, my friends tell me I'm very attractive, interesting and reliable. I hold a good position at work where I am valued and appreciated... Why can't this extend to my personal life...??!! Please help me.

Patricia Marie says...

You say most of the men you meet are not living up to your expectations, and considering giving up trying to find a partner. Yet, you believe by accepting less out of life, there is more chance of success. Lowering standards displays low self-esteem, which is why you are attracting the unfavourable type not worthy of you. These negative beliefs can arise from bad experiences, or not being valued or understood. In order to love someone, you must be able to love and respect yourself.

Seeing you for who you really are allows your colleagues to show unconditional respect and acceptance, which gives you confidence within your work environment. This can be extended to your personal life if you learn to see yourself in a positive light. Check out the Mind Website (www.mind.org.uk) where you will find useful tips on increasing self-esteem.

To improve your chances of finding a suitable partner, I would also suggest joining a reputable dating site, as well as embarking on some new hobbies or interests, all of which will enhance your social life, and will help gain your confidence and self-worth.

This Valentines day, do remember, whilst you may be without a partner, there are plenty of Valentines days in a lifetime, and many possible people with whom you could eventually fall in love with. Don't make the day about loneliness, make it about love, and even if you are single, perhaps treat yourself to a gift you would like to receive and very much deserve.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

All the single Londoners

Posted by Young Ladies About Town
Young Ladies About Town
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on Thursday, 13 February 2014
Valentine's is almost upon us and for a young single girl in London it can be hard to avoid all the loved-up couples.

My friendship circle is almost exclusively made up of couples now (one couple even has a baby and a mortgage!) and I'm getting somewhat fed up of the "oh you'll find someone don't worry" comments. So when an email invite to a dating party landed in my inbox I thought, why the hell not.

DoingSomething is a London based online dating forum. I know. Online dating? I'm only 23. Surely no need for drastic measures just yet. But happily DoingSomething claim to be to dating site for people who 'don't do' dating sites, so I shelved my scepticism.

The idea is you book onto an experience, be it ping pong on top of the O2, a Supperclub or in my case a party at the top of the Shard in the Ice Bar, and mingle with the hope of bumping into someone nice.
Shard-Singles-01-590

Being the lone single person in my friendship group I bravely (or stupidly) decided to go it alone without a wingwoman. My plan was to get in, grab a (large) glass of Dutch courage and sit in the corner somewhere until said Dutch courage had kicked in and I was ready to mingle.

Getting to the top of the shard I found there were no seats. Anywhere. At first I panicked. "Oh my God," I thought. "Nowhere to hide!" This, be it intentional or not, was really quite a clever plan as it forced me, and other attendees looking for love to mingle from the off.

Shard-Singles-02-590

A tad nervous at first (indeed the fact the security guard started chatting to me was a sure sign I need to make a move and start mingling) once I got chatting it was quite fun. I met a guy (possibly just claiming) to be a brain surgeon, another who was already in love and just came to see the view and many more.

The only downside is judging from the girl to guy ratio, they don't police numbers so of course there were far more girls than guys. On top of that I did spot the odd couple arrive (I mean it's a singles party don't rub it in!) Nonetheless, I actually had a really fun evening. And the best thing (although I know before I even say it makes me incredible sad) it finished at 10, which for a Wednesday is a perfectly acceptable time. We do all have work the next day!

As the lights came on and I got ready to leave, the guy I had been chatting to asked for my card. So who knows, maybe love, or at the very least a date, was found at the Shard.

www.doingsomething.co.uk

Melonie Clarke

Dating after a divorce

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 31 January 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am a 55-year-old divorced lady, and after 20 years of marriage am now ready to start looking to meet a gentleman, but I am worried about joining a dating website. Although I am wanting to, I am scared that the date could be a disaster and am concerned at the type of man that I may attract, and on meeting him he may be different from how he appears online.

However, If I sit back and do nothing I may never meet a partner to share the rest of my life with. I am just looking for some guidance and direction regarding this dilemma I have.

Patricia Marie says...

Your concerns with regards to joining a dating agency are completely understandable after the familiarity of being married to the same man for many years. However, life is about taking risks and you are the only one who can promote change and make things happen. I am thinking your urgency to meet a man whom you are wanting to share the rest of your life with is causing much anxiety, and putting you under intense pressure for something that may not happen and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Can you allow yourself to embrace this new chapter in your life by focussing on having some fun and good times with like-minded people. When selecting potential dates, ensure you get to know as much as you can about each other before meeting, this will help eliminate time wasters. If you do experience some unsuccessful dates, use this as a positive discovery in knowing what you do want in someone, and your confidence will soon grow. I would also recommend if you have any interests or hobbies, join a club where they may be incorporated, which will increase your chances of finding your Mr Right. It may take time to meet someone you are attracted to and want to spend more time with, but if you can trust that the journey is as important as the destination, you will enjoy and value the experience more.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows



His children are against us

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 01 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am so delighted to have discovered that The Lady offer an agony aunt to help their followers. Could you please give me some help?

Recently I have been dating a man who is widowed with two children aged 31 and 35. We are getting on really well and are planning to travel the world together but his children are so against our relationship they have asked my friend to choose between me or them.

I am so distraught - I have a chance of personal happiness and I am fearful that it is all going to be destroyed by his selfish unthinking children.

Do you think I should just walk away and make life easier for him or should I pursue my chance of happiness and just consider my future?

Patricia Marie says...

You say you have only just met a widower, yet feel your chance of happiness is dependant on you travelling the world with him? You would be left distraught if this wasn't to happen?

There seems much pressure and expectancy not only on yourself, but on this gentleman to be responsible for your happiness.

You describe his children as selfish and unthinking. After the loss of their mother, their father is clearly very dear to them and yet in a short space of time you wanting to embark on a world trip with him must only intensify their loss and grief.

I'm wondering if you could consider things from their perspective. A meeting with these children, where you can all speak openly and discuss everyone's feelings may help.

Don't expect them to embrace you immediately, but if you are able to come to an understanding, this will be a good starting point for you all. I urge you to consider where your fear of his children destroying your happiness is coming from and would recommend embarking on some counselling sessions to explore this issue at a greater depth and enable you to hopefully find the happiness you are searching for and so deserve.

The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy have a directory where you can find a qualified registered therapist in your area. www.bacp.co.uk



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.



In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Email: patriciamarie@tenharleystreet.co.uk
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389


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