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I think my husband is having an affair

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 07 August 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

Please help. I fear that my husband of 15 years marriage is having an affair.

He is spending so many extra hours at work, including weekends, and pays me very little attention when he is at home. He has become very possessive over his mobile phone and bank statements.

One day last week he failed to come home at all. He said he'd spent all night in the office, though I later found a receipt for a hotel and for a meal for two people. When I asked him about this he claimed he'd had dinner with a co-director, but I'm not so sure. I'm still so in love with him, and am scared of losing him. How do I go about confronting him?

Patricia Marie says...

It seems to me after questioning your husband about his whereabouts and the change in his behaviour, you are trusting your instinct rather than believing what he says.

You need to make it clear to your husband that you need to have a proper talk and be honest with each other. Make him aware of how unhappy he is making you feel by the lack of attention he shows you, and the secrecy he displays which is causing you to feel insecure. He may be under the impression you are accepting of this and have no idea of your concerns.

Have you avoided confronting him because you may not want to hear what he has to say, or is it that if he confesses to you that he has met someone else, the situation becomes real?

Until you talk to him about how you are feeling, and open up to him, you won't be able to move forward with this.

Listen to what he has to say, it may be that he's not being disloyal at all. You seem to have drifted apart, which is typical of many relationships when there is no communication. When this happens couples don't recognise each other anymore.

You say you adore him, so whatever the outcome, wherever it has gone wrong, if you both feel the relationship is worth saving you can start to work together towards a more positive future.

I believe you may benefit from some professional help. Ask him to go to Relate with you for some counselling sessions, which could prove helpful (relate.org.uk)


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

He swears at me all the time

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 19 June 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My boyfriend and I have been together two years and we plan to marry next summer. The problem is he swears at me all the time. When his angry, it's almost every other word. I've told him many of times that it bothers me and sometimes he'll apologise and promises to change, but he goes back to his old ways and tells me I'm a prude to object. I don't know if the swearing is then going to turn into violence. Am I overreacting?

Patricia Marie says...

The man your planning to marry has so little respect for you, arguing and belittling you when you ask him to stop swearing.  His refusal to listen and the anger he displays is a cause for concern. This isn't the act of a loving man ready for marriage.

Your partner is verbally abusing you as well as dismissing your feelings, and if you allow this behaviour to continue you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. Verbal abusers use bad language to gain control, and whats scary, as in the many cases of domestic violence, verbal abuse tends to increase over time, as both abuser and victim adapt to it, often leading to the abuser resorting to physical violence to maintain their control.

Whist I admire you for acknowledging this is a serious problem, it is now time to put a firm stop to this abuse, before the situation worsens. Your boyfriend's G.P could refer him for anger management classes, although be prepared for his refusal to attend, as nearly all abusers are often in denial and blame others for their behaviour. In addition, ask him to go with you to relate (relate.org.uk) to have a few sessions with a counsellor in preparation for a happy marriage.

If he is unwilling to deal with this problem, think again before marrying him.

To help you to recognise, gain a better understanding and respond safely and appropriately to abusers, I recommend: ' The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

She doesn't want children

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 15 May 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

I utterly adore my fiancée but she is adamant that she does not want children. When we met three years ago I was OK about that, but I have since changed my mind.

She says she is not the maternal type. I am 34 and she is a year younger. We both have well-paid jobs, so financially it would not be a problem.

Now, when I see our friends with their young children, the thought of not having any makes me feel so sad.

I try to suppress these thoughts but they keep returning. How can I marry the woman I love and have her children?

Patricia Marie says...

The problem is that you have changed your mind but your fiancée hasn't.  At around 30, a woman's biological clock often kicks in as she becomes aware that after 35 her fertility levels can decrease. This doesn't seemed to have happened with your fiancée.

You need to tell her how much you want children. Don't try to pressure her, but discuss why she doesn't want them. She may bring up some interesting points that you may not have considered and could understand better after hearing what she has to say. If she remains adamant that she does not want to have children, you have a decision to make.

What is it is about fatherhood that appeals to you? Are there ways that you can accomplish that without having children of your own? For instance, do you have nieces and nephews you could enjoy spending time with? For many childless couples they can help fill an empty void, bringing the greatest of pleasure to their aunts and uncles.

If you give up your desire for children you could end up resenting your fiancée and regretting that decision deeply. Also, most importantly, do you value having babies more than you value your future with your fiancée? If the answer is yes, sadly, you have to ask yourself, would it be better to end the relationship, and in time find someone you love who does want children? Before making a life-changing decision, you may both benefit from contacting www.bacp.co.uk or www.relate.org.uk for some counselling.


Got a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Constant criticism

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
Guest has not set their biography yet
User is currently offline
on Friday, 07 February 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My partner says he loves me, but he never stops criticising me. Whether it's my opinion on matters to do with our family, or even the political party I support, he thinks I'm always wrong.

Just recently he told me my plans on improving my status at work were not worth considering and not to bother trying to progress further. Only yesterday he called me an idiot and said I talk rubbish. He is making me feel worthless and I am at the point where I could walk away from this increasingly difficult relationship. I would be grateful for some help.

Patricia Marie says...

Your partner's intolerance suggests to me that he's a very insecure person. Having your own ideas and opinions angers him, because this represents a challenge and a threat. Your wanting to progress at work is showing that your not dependent on him to succeed in your own right, which is taking the control away from him.

Many couples have different points of view, but respect each others right to do so. This man is making you feel worthless because you are allowing him to. His offensive behaviour towards you is disrespectful, and the name calling abusive, yet, you say he loves you.

I'd like you to consider what your perception of love is, and to ask yourself, do you deserve to be treated in this way. When two people choose to share their lives together, there must be an understanding of accepting behaviour. You say you are at the point of walking away, have you made your partner aware of how his behaviour is jeopardising your relationship.

If you feel this relationship is worth saving, and only you will know this, my suggestion is for you to both attend Relate (relate.org.uk) and have some sessions with a counsellor, or I fear this abusive relationship could become increasingly worse.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows





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