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I am scared my ex-friend will reveal all

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 30 October 2015
Dear Patricia Marie,
I have been having some problems in my marriage, and a couple of weeks ago did something really stupid - I had a one night stand. Apart from the fact that I know what I did was wrong, and that I have broken the trust my husband placed in me, I now have added anguish as I was seen leaving the hotel with the man by an ex-friend of mine. She is a spiteful, jealous woman and very capable of wrecking my marriage by disclosing my tryst. I am totally unable to sleep, and keep conjecturing how much damage it will do if she tells my husband.

The fear has made me realise just how much I want to work at my marriage and make it good again. What can I possibly do now to save it, and will my husband ever trust me again?

Patricia Marie says...

This woman is not worth the fear and anxiety she is causing you. Act now. To not tell your husband about your one night stand, could cause him to never trust you again, which is why I believe you need to confess.

Explain the reasons for your behaviour, apologise profusely for the hurt you have caused, and let him know how much you wish to save your faltering marriage. But don't expect him to forgive quickly, as he may well feel devastated and need time to consider his feelings. By communicating honestly, hopefully in time the effect will be to create a sense of closeness, and ultimately replace suspicion with trust.

Nevertheless, the reasons why you embarked on the one night stand need to be addressed. Many people become unfaithful for escapism, a need to prove one's attractiveness or worth, or just because they crave the excitement they can no longer experience in their relationship. All too often outside liaisons begin because of a general sense of dissatisfaction within a marriage.

Infidelity is often a symptom, not a cause, for problems in a relationship, and enlightening your partner may force you to address the underlying issues. Of course you are overwhelmed by guilt, but marriage is a partnership, and both of you have to take responsibility for making it work. Something has clearly gone wrong, and your confession may be the catalyst the two of you need to create a fresh start and make necessary changes.

For professional support and guidance, Relate offer a couples counselling service, which you may find beneficial.

Relate: www.relate.org.uk 0300 100 1234

My Son Won't Settle Down

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 19 March 2015
Dear Patricia Marie,

My 30 year old daughter has been happily married for 10 years now, while my 25 year old son is still drifting from one relationship to another. He introduces his girlfriends to us as the love of his life, and a few months later it's all over. My husband and I have enjoyed wedded bliss for almost 35 years. It is extremely upsetting that while one of my children seems to have followed our example, the other has not. I am becoming increasingly concerned by my son's erratic behaviour.

Patricia Marie says.....

Having blissfully happy parents can sometimes be an unexpected disadvantage. Your son could be approaching every relationship with totally unrealistic expectations. If he measures every one of his new relationships up against what he experiences at home, he's soon going to feel disappointed. It may be that you're applying unfair demands.

Your son could be introducing every new girlfriend as 'The One', because he feels that's what you want to hear - and it seems to me that he is desperately trying to seek your approval.

He is still young enough to be playing the field, and maybe you should let him do so, free from the weight of your expectations. Whilst it's a comfort for you to know your daughter is happily married, you cannot compare your son's situation to hers, as this could jeopardise your relationship with him. Your son has his own unique personality, that if you were to embrace, could enrich your relationship with him. Trust that he is an adult, able to make his own choices regarding his relationships, and believe based on his many experiences, that when he is ready, your son will hopefully be able to make a good decision that is right for him - not one that is expected of him.

How do I get my wife back?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 11 September 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am writing as I need some advice on a terrible decision I think I have made. I am a 45 year old man, I had a lovely life, an excellent job, comfortable home and three adorable children along with a doting wife. I met a younger lady and after some time I left everything for her. Six months on, the excitement of being with somebody new has worn off and the grass is definitely not greener on the other side. I have just ended the relationship with my new girlfriend and would do anything to have my old life back, but am so ashamed and embarrassed of what I have put my family through. My wife refuses to answer my calls, and ignores my texts. Her mother drops the children to me when they come to stay, so I don't even get to see her. My sister-in-law contacted me recently to tell me my wife still loves me, but at the same time despises me for what I have done to her and our children.

With your professional guidance I am hoping that I can fix this and my family. Any advice would be highly appreciated.

Patricia Marie says...

The decision to leave your wife and children for another woman would almost certainly have had a huge effect on your family, and you cannot expect everything to fall back into place just because things haven't worked out for you. Wanting your wife to conform to your wishes so soon after the hurt you have caused her would be unreasonable.

The commendable thing is that you have not only seen your errors, but have understood the consequences of your actions. However, you are going to have to do a lot of hard work to convince your wife. I would suggest you initially write her a letter of which she would be able to digest in her own time. Explain that you do not want to put any pressure on her at all, but would love to meet up to tell her in person how very sorry you are for the hurt you have caused.  You've learned a hard lesson, and hopefully you can give some consolation to your wife by accepting and owning your share of the blame, and most importantly, whatever the outcome, be able to continue a positive relationship with your children.

A huge concern and something you need to ask yourself is: why did you feel the need to walk away in the first place?  Clearly something wasn't right between you and your wife and this needs to be addressed before any thoughts of a reconciliation, otherwise, you could end up in the same situation as before. Perhaps before any life-changing decisions are made, you could both benefit from attending Relate (relate.org.uk) as having professional help would enable you to explore any issues that contributed to the breakdown of your relationship. And do remember, sometimes we search long and hard for something that we fail to realise we already have.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

I think my husband is having an affair

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 07 August 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

Please help. I fear that my husband of 15 years marriage is having an affair.

He is spending so many extra hours at work, including weekends, and pays me very little attention when he is at home. He has become very possessive over his mobile phone and bank statements.

One day last week he failed to come home at all. He said he'd spent all night in the office, though I later found a receipt for a hotel and for a meal for two people. When I asked him about this he claimed he'd had dinner with a co-director, but I'm not so sure. I'm still so in love with him, and am scared of losing him. How do I go about confronting him?

Patricia Marie says...

It seems to me after questioning your husband about his whereabouts and the change in his behaviour, you are trusting your instinct rather than believing what he says.

You need to make it clear to your husband that you need to have a proper talk and be honest with each other. Make him aware of how unhappy he is making you feel by the lack of attention he shows you, and the secrecy he displays which is causing you to feel insecure. He may be under the impression you are accepting of this and have no idea of your concerns.

Have you avoided confronting him because you may not want to hear what he has to say, or is it that if he confesses to you that he has met someone else, the situation becomes real?

Until you talk to him about how you are feeling, and open up to him, you won't be able to move forward with this.

Listen to what he has to say, it may be that he's not being disloyal at all. You seem to have drifted apart, which is typical of many relationships when there is no communication. When this happens couples don't recognise each other anymore.

You say you adore him, so whatever the outcome, wherever it has gone wrong, if you both feel the relationship is worth saving you can start to work together towards a more positive future.

I believe you may benefit from some professional help. Ask him to go to Relate with you for some counselling sessions, which could prove helpful (relate.org.uk)


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Should I call off my wedding?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 24 July 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am feeling really scared and don't know what to do. I am due to be married in three weeks' time and having doubts about going through with the ceremony.

I have been with my fiancé for five years, we became engaged last year, only because it seemed the right thing to do. Although I care for him I am not in love with him, and feel like running away.

The truth is if I marry him, it will be for all the wrong reasons, but at the same time, I cannot break his heart which I shall do if I call it off. The wedding is costing a fortune of which my parents have helped contribute to, and we will be set to lose the lot if I were to cancel at such short notice. I cant sleep, am feeling miserable and very panicky. I haven't told anyone about how I am feeling as everyone is looking so forward to the celebrations.

I have recently met a man at work who I have become very close to, he wants to take me out and makes me feel like an excited teenager, unlike my fiancé who I feel we have now become more like sister and brother. Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Patricia Marie says...

If you find yourself having doubts before your wedding, does that mean you definitely must not get married? No - but you should pay attention and talk to the man you are marrying. The chances are he would have picked up on your emotions and by opening up it may help to re-bond the relationship.  Understandably, many women approaching their wedding day have doubts if they are making the right choice. After all, it's one of the biggest decisions of our lives. You say you're not wanting to break your fiancé's heart by calling of the wedding, but considering going ahead and to marry under false pretences would be far worse.

The man you have met at work is new and exciting, as is any new flirtatious liaison. If you were to remember your first meeting with your fiancé, feel sure he would have made you feel the same way. It would be acceptable to cancel the wedding if you really were having serious doubts, but don't risk losing a good man just because a more exciting one has come on the scene.

It takes more than love to have a successful marriage, its about displaying mutual admiration, respect, including supporting and caring for each other and most importantly being friends, as without friendship love can easily fade.

You need to ask yourself, how would it feel to be without this man you have been with for five years. Sometimes we can't see what we have until its gone.

Has the intimacy wained slightly because of the pressures of the wedding planning? If so, this can be worked at by remembering the good times you have shared.

Finally, the huge cost involved if you were to cancel is not the reason to embark on the biggest commitment of your life. You owe it to your parents to be honest, and however shocked or upset they seem, once you share your fears with them, your problem will be halved and things made clearer.

It wont be easy, but I urge you to explore your situation very carefully, before making any life changing decisions.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

He swears at me all the time

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 19 June 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My boyfriend and I have been together two years and we plan to marry next summer. The problem is he swears at me all the time. When his angry, it's almost every other word. I've told him many of times that it bothers me and sometimes he'll apologise and promises to change, but he goes back to his old ways and tells me I'm a prude to object. I don't know if the swearing is then going to turn into violence. Am I overreacting?

Patricia Marie says...

The man your planning to marry has so little respect for you, arguing and belittling you when you ask him to stop swearing.  His refusal to listen and the anger he displays is a cause for concern. This isn't the act of a loving man ready for marriage.

Your partner is verbally abusing you as well as dismissing your feelings, and if you allow this behaviour to continue you will begin to see yourself and your needs as unimportant, of little consequence and irrelevant. Verbal abusers use bad language to gain control, and whats scary, as in the many cases of domestic violence, verbal abuse tends to increase over time, as both abuser and victim adapt to it, often leading to the abuser resorting to physical violence to maintain their control.

Whist I admire you for acknowledging this is a serious problem, it is now time to put a firm stop to this abuse, before the situation worsens. Your boyfriend's G.P could refer him for anger management classes, although be prepared for his refusal to attend, as nearly all abusers are often in denial and blame others for their behaviour. In addition, ask him to go with you to relate (relate.org.uk) to have a few sessions with a counsellor in preparation for a happy marriage.

If he is unwilling to deal with this problem, think again before marrying him.

To help you to recognise, gain a better understanding and respond safely and appropriately to abusers, I recommend: ' The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

She doesn't want children

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 15 May 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

I utterly adore my fiancée but she is adamant that she does not want children. When we met three years ago I was OK about that, but I have since changed my mind.

She says she is not the maternal type. I am 34 and she is a year younger. We both have well-paid jobs, so financially it would not be a problem.

Now, when I see our friends with their young children, the thought of not having any makes me feel so sad.

I try to suppress these thoughts but they keep returning. How can I marry the woman I love and have her children?

Patricia Marie says...

The problem is that you have changed your mind but your fiancée hasn't.  At around 30, a woman's biological clock often kicks in as she becomes aware that after 35 her fertility levels can decrease. This doesn't seemed to have happened with your fiancée.

You need to tell her how much you want children. Don't try to pressure her, but discuss why she doesn't want them. She may bring up some interesting points that you may not have considered and could understand better after hearing what she has to say. If she remains adamant that she does not want to have children, you have a decision to make.

What is it is about fatherhood that appeals to you? Are there ways that you can accomplish that without having children of your own? For instance, do you have nieces and nephews you could enjoy spending time with? For many childless couples they can help fill an empty void, bringing the greatest of pleasure to their aunts and uncles.

If you give up your desire for children you could end up resenting your fiancée and regretting that decision deeply. Also, most importantly, do you value having babies more than you value your future with your fiancée? If the answer is yes, sadly, you have to ask yourself, would it be better to end the relationship, and in time find someone you love who does want children? Before making a life-changing decision, you may both benefit from contacting www.bacp.co.uk or www.relate.org.uk for some counselling.


Got a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Devastated by his affair

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 10 April 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

Three months ago I discovered my partner was having an affair - I was devastated. I adored him and thought he felt the same way. He even brought her to our house, though he denies this. I went to see her. She has a long-term partner, but he is completely clueless about the affair - maybe I should tell him. She cried, apologised and said that I was lovely and nothing like my partner had told her, and that he didn't deserve me.

He had been running me down to her and our friends. I don't know which way to turn: there is still love there, but it's not the same. I now check his his phone and e.mails- there is no trust left.

He gets annoyed with me and says I should be 'over it ' and it was a big mistake.

We are both in our 50s and left our long term marriages for each other. I can't face having to sell our house and start again. We are talking about getting married, but would it be marriage for the wrong reason?

Patricia Marie says...

If the person you love has an affair and falls in love with someone else, your world falls apart. Everything you thought you felt and shared with each other is thrown into question, even if they end the affair and say they still love and want to be with you. Alternatively, if they say their lover meant little to them and dismiss them as just a passing fancy, that can be equally devastating. They have put the relationship at risk for some meaningless pleasure. On top of this, he was running you down. It sounds as if he does not love you as much as you love him.

You only discovered his infidelity three months ago, so its quite unreasonable to think you should 'just get over it'. Trust can sometimes be rebuilt, although never easy to regain completely.

He needs to talk about why he had the affair, and show you that he really loves you and sorry for what he's done. If he has a history of affairs, the risks are high and it may be better to end the relationship. If you do decide to marry, it should be because you really want to be with him and he feels the same way, not because you can't face selling up and starting again.



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk 
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Conscious uncoupling

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Wednesday, 26 March 2014
‘It’s hard being married,’ she said.
‘Duh, really?’ I would have responded.

But in actual fact Gwyneth didn’t inform me personally of her recently announced ‘conscious uncoupling’ from her Brit singer-songwriter.

Yes – if you haven’t yet heard the news, Mr and Mrs Chris Martin, the slightly cheesy rock star and actress, have confessed that their marriage isn’t what it used to be. Oh and we’re all supposed to be vaguely surprised. Not shocked that the duo didn’t make it long term but that marriage is apparently hard work at times.

I mean who honestly wouldn’t agree? And how bad does it have to be to start carving up the net worth? I’m not a film star and He isn’t in a band but we work hard ALL the time at making our marriage work. Because ‘uncoupling’ isn’t really an option at all. Instead it is damn hard separation and grief for all involved, before any re-coupling is even contemplated. I’ve stood by and watched from the sidelines and divorce isn’t pretty.

So, even with £89m, some apparent consciousness and a heck of a lot of co-parenting praise, Paltrow will need more than her infamous cupping therapy or her Goop cleanse before she can commiserate to Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ in her bath tub.


You can read more musings from Emma at www.lifeofyablon.com.

Dating after a divorce

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 31 January 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am a 55-year-old divorced lady, and after 20 years of marriage am now ready to start looking to meet a gentleman, but I am worried about joining a dating website. Although I am wanting to, I am scared that the date could be a disaster and am concerned at the type of man that I may attract, and on meeting him he may be different from how he appears online.

However, If I sit back and do nothing I may never meet a partner to share the rest of my life with. I am just looking for some guidance and direction regarding this dilemma I have.

Patricia Marie says...

Your concerns with regards to joining a dating agency are completely understandable after the familiarity of being married to the same man for many years. However, life is about taking risks and you are the only one who can promote change and make things happen. I am thinking your urgency to meet a man whom you are wanting to share the rest of your life with is causing much anxiety, and putting you under intense pressure for something that may not happen and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Can you allow yourself to embrace this new chapter in your life by focussing on having some fun and good times with like-minded people. When selecting potential dates, ensure you get to know as much as you can about each other before meeting, this will help eliminate time wasters. If you do experience some unsuccessful dates, use this as a positive discovery in knowing what you do want in someone, and your confidence will soon grow. I would also recommend if you have any interests or hobbies, join a club where they may be incorporated, which will increase your chances of finding your Mr Right. It may take time to meet someone you are attracted to and want to spend more time with, but if you can trust that the journey is as important as the destination, you will enjoy and value the experience more.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows



News of an affair

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Tuesday, 21 January 2014
He came home with some ‘news’ last night. Over a city lunch, a friend had confessed his ongoing affair and announced that he is leaving his wife.

‘What!’ I exclaimed. ‘I thought they were so happy? What about those poor children?’

‘Yes they were,’ he confirmed ‘ before he met someone on a deal he was working on… now he’s going to move in with her.’

Just like that, there it was. All the information I was going to get - or in fact need.

I quickly started rustling up some dinner (from a bare fridge), asking how the rest of His day had been. Then, when the Smalls came down whining of insomnia, I ushered them upstairs leaving Him with His whisky, evening paper and the football on.

After I had cleared up our dinner, I (even) asked him what he’d like to watch on TV. AND didn’t touch my laptop nor phone. Avoiding the subject of the cost of the fake grass I’m currently lusting after and the trip to New York I’m planning, we sipped our chamomile tea.

Perfect wife. Perfect home. Perfect life. Anything but the thought of a perfectly awful affair.



You can read more musings from Emma at www.lifeofyablon.com.

Too demanding

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 17 January 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am lucky enough to have just moved into our dream home, it's everything we could have imagined and wished for. However, my feelings have changed dramatically I have just paid the first large mortgage payment. This has really stretched my budget, I am working around the clock to try and meet these demands unfortunately, this is not the only problem. My wife loves the new home and enjoys spending a lot of time at the gym getting very fit and showing off our new beautiful home to all our friends. She has become very demanding in the bedroom and I am worried that I cannot constantly satisfy her both financially and sexually as I am constantly tired.

Patricia Marie says...

The excitement of moving into your dream home has now been replaced with the reality of having to work hard to pay for it. Your need to please your wife is clearly putting you under intense pressure, and if your not careful your constant wanting to make her happy by working every hour, which you say is exhausting you, could turn to resentment. You don't mention if your wife works, but have given the impression she has much spare time, therefore, wondering if there is any way she could help contribute to the finances and eliminate some of your stress.

Instead of suppressing your feelings, you need to be opening up to your wife, telling her how you feel and hopefully she will be understanding, helpful and supportive. Remember, you are a partnership and she may be upset, even feel rejected that you have been isolating her from your worries. A successful marriage is not just about having good times but dealing with the difficulties life brings and bonding from such experiences. You say she has become demanding in the bedroom, this may be about her trying to get some attention from you, other than the obvious. If you and your wife can work together on how things can change to make life easier, your stress and anxiety will ease, your libido should return, then hopefully you can both get to enjoy your relationship in your well deserved home.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Should I leave my husband?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 15 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I have been married to a lovely man (who I have known for over 15 years) for over 3 years, and together for 6 years before that, although I was away at university for 3 years, during which time he stayed loyal vowing to wait for me to complete my studies, which he did.

The year after I returned from uni we bought a house together. Life was wonderful. We both had good jobs, and financially we were comfortable. We got married, had lovely holidays, and a great social life.

Recently I had to take on more hours at work, including night shifts, which meant we didn't see much of each other. I employed a male member of staff to ease my workload, and shortly after he shocked me by dumping his girlfriend and stating he had feelings for me.

I was spending a lot of time with him, more so than my husband, and my feelings for him have grown stronger, and we have shared kisses, and recently spent the night together when I said I was at work. His ex-girlfriend has started phoning our house, leaving messages asking when I'm going to tell my husband what's going on.

I've fallen in love with my work colleague, but not sure he's worth leaving my husband for, even though my life with him has become dull and boring. What should I do?

Patricia Marie says...

Your marriage was good when you were financially secure, enjoying holidays and having a good social life. You are now working long unsociable hours, spending less time with your husband, maintaining life with him is dull and boring.

A successful marriage is not just about sharing the good times, but dealing with the difficulties life brings and bonding from such experiences.

Rather than deal with the problems in your relationship, it was easier for you to fall into the arms of another man who could offer you some escapism.

You say you love this man. I would like you to consider your perception of love. Is it someone who gives you the excitement you crave, or the one who shows loyalty and commitment your husband displays, who you describe as being a "lovely man" and not sure the other man is worth leaving him for.

I believe you may have found your own answer. If you feel you do want a chance to save your marriage, it would be really helpful to spend some quality time with your husband, work on the relationship together and decide how you can make things better between you.



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389


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